LOOK DADDY, NO FEEDING TUBE!!So... I have spent the last week here at my "home away from home" walking a fine line between relief (to be out of the hospital) awww (over how blessed I am to have this beautiful child) dismay (over the fact we are just not getting the breast feeding) and exhaustion (from living my life in 3 hour bits).
Jonathan should be getting around 2.5oz of milk at every meal 7x's a day (approx every 3 hours). He's been getting around 1oz from me and it was taking an hour, then we would spend the next 30-45min trying to get the rest into him by bottle. Add a diaper change and a 20min pumping... I was looking at 30min before it was time to do it all again. I have cried A LOT this week. I mourn the fact that, this is not easy. I had hoped and expected that this, (breastfeeding) of all things, would be "normal". I have cried to God, my husband and my mom in dismay. They have cried with me. I keep thinking, maybe tomorrow... tomorrow we will get this...
I cry because, I don't want to hope for my tomorrows, I want them today and want to enjoy the now. Selfishly I want my sons first month back, and I want it to be "normal" so I can enjoy him and each moment I missed as I worried. I want my NOW too. It's just so hard!
At the same time I KNOW... days of hoping for a better tomorrow will equal years of lost today's and I don't want to miss this.
I decided yesterday that we can't do this... live our life one feeding to the next. I'm taking a calculated risk. The hospital wanted Jonathan to eat every 3 hours... I've realized we will crash and burn trying to keep that schedule. Jonathan is gaining weight well (9lbs 13oz), he is getting better and faster with his bottle (although once he gets breastfeeding, bottles are byebye... I HAVE mentioned pumping SUCKS, right?) and we both need a break.
What a difference an hour makes. We went from every 3 hours to every 4 hours. Yesterday we had TIME. We were un-rushed as we breast fed. Jonathan (well rested and slightly hungry) pulled a consistent 1.5oz breastfeeding and we supplemented with the bottle each time. I was able to honestly enjoy our time and Jonathan was able to take a good nap between meals. We were unhurried and it was WONDERFUL! Yes, Jonathan still needs to do better with breastfeeding, but now I can enjoy the process. I KNOW he's going to get better. He's already so good with the bottle that I pulled his tube this morning. One supplement gone... now to transition from bottle to breast.
But... in the meantime, in the waiting, in the learning... I'm going to finally take the time and enjoy the NOW.
...
How much does Jonathan weigh? I can see that every 4 hours would give you that extra hour to replinish your milk supply. Just hang in there. What is the diagnosis on his spina bifida? He looks so chubby and content. God Bless you both. Janet Hofer
ReplyDeleteWow. I just can't believe you. You are so amazing. I know I keep saying this, but wow. I just remember how difficult it was to transition to motherhood without the feeding difficulties. I couldn't imagine. Have you gotten your halo yet? It's probably in the mail. You're awesome!
ReplyDeleteYou're wonderful, hang in there! I know that breast milk is better and by all means if things improve, stick with it. However, I had a baby that hated breatfeeding. She started by only doing it on one side, then that side but only in the football hold, then only if I was walking around while doing it, then not at all so I just started pumping all the time and giving it to her in bottles - and you're right! Pumping sucks!. Finally I realized that formula has come a long way baby! I decided it was more important that I be a happy, sane mom. Now my baby didn't have Spina Bifida so I don't know how that figures into things but I just don't want you to feel like a bad mom, a failure and fall into postpartum depression if in the end you have to give up breastfeeding for the sake of sanity. You sound like such a great mom! Don't forget that a whole lot of other moms are praying for you and rooting for you - even ones you've never met!
ReplyDeletehey lovey - you're not alone. You have more stuff to deal with because of Jonathan's needs right now, but nursing is far from "normal." Right around 3 months - with every baby - things began to even out for me. I'm proud of you for using your instincts. You are wise and, as his mother, you'll be able to gauge things - while outsiders would tell you to make everything calculated. And, if you have to - you can go back to every 3 hours then rotate back to 4. I know pumping sucks, but you'll be glad you did once he's nursing solely and your milk supply is strong. With Dax, nursing was tough for me - a lot of people told me to stop, but I WANTED to do it. I'm glad I was stubborn, cuz eventually it evened out, he learned to latch better and I nursed until he was 14 months :) You go with your heart - SO glad you had a good day. You can find the joy in today and still look forward to tomorrow :) You're an amazing mama - you are a life giver and sustainer :) We get to share that little piece of God as mamas. Love and miss you. Can't wait to meet him.
ReplyDeleteKim, You are an amazing Mom because you are serving an amazing God! You just keep obeying Him(whether through instinct, other people's advice or whatever gets the job done)and everything will be fine. I love you and appreciate you. I know that Jonathan does! Love and miss you so very much and always, Aunt Dona
ReplyDeleteWe're so proud of you; Gpa Dill and I wept as we read this entry. God is using you in a mighty way to touch many lives. You have a strong heart. Your strong desire and determination will help you persevere and the nursing will get better, I promise.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it feels like it would be so much easier to just give Jonathan the bottle but the joy nursing will bring to both of you will far out weigh any of these days of struggle. You have done such a wonderful job handling all of this. It may not seem like it but through your trials we are blessed because we see God's hand guiding and leading in miraculous ways and it encourages our faith.
God is merciful and good. You will cherish these days when you look back on them because you learned to lean on the Lord and walk closer with Him. So try to rest and be at peace. God is in control and cares for the smallest of our concerns even that Jonathan nurses well! We love you so much. Granna Dill